First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
