I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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