Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
