You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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