ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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