his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
