you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
