i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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