it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
