i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
