I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can you bring me the toilet please
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
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