I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
