dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Im part way to drunk.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
