Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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