I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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