Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
