i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
