It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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