its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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