I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
