the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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