I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We are all done wearing pants today
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
