I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
