Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
