if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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