I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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