Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
