I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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