did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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