In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize