my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
