Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
