you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
