This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
