I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize