It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
