Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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