OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I want to be your penis for a week.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
