Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Houston, we have a squirter
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize