the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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