Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
