You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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