everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
