Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
