I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
