I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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