hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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