I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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