totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
