I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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