a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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