my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
