i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
