Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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