Apparently you make a good broom.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
