sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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