I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just pee around me
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
