Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
