she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
