8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
