if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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