omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
