you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
