Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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