Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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