My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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