sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
