Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
