this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
