Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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